The second installment A new installment of "engineering truths"
to laugh a while! xD
An engineer was called to fix a complex supercomputer valued at $ 10 million. Sitting in front of the screen, pressed a few keys, nodded, muttered something to himself and turned off the device. He proceeded to take a small screwdriver from his pocket and turned and a half to a tiny screw.
Then the computer on again and found it was working perfectly.
The company president was delighted and offered to pay the bill on the spot.
- How much do I owe? - Asked.
- Son thousand dollars, if you please.
- A thousand dollars? A thousand dollars a few minutes of work? A thousand dollars for a single small screw tightening? I know my computer is worth $ 10 million, but a thousand dollars is a crazy amount! I will pay only if I send a fully detailed invoice to justify it.
The engineer nodded and left. The next morning, the President received the bill, read it carefully, shook his head and proceeded to pay on the spot without hesitation.
The invoice said
services:
.........................
$ 1 Knowing which screw press ........... $ 999
Total $ 1,000 ....................................... ;
Three engineers and design of the human body ...
- Obviously, it is a work of a mechanical engineer, look at the joints in the bones of the hand, ...
- No man was an electrical engineer, but as we explain the nervous system, the complexities of the brain, ...
- Nah, no idea, did a civil engineer ... anyone else would think to put a toxic drain near a playground.
What is a complex child?
A child with a real mother and father imaginary.
Jesus said to his apostles: Y = X ^ 2
and seeing that they looked at each other implying that they had not understood, Jesus repeated: Y = X ^ 2
until Peter said, Lord, not understand.
And Jesus said
is a parable, stupid!
Legend has it that God, at the time of creation, knowledge reserved for a select group of men, engineers. They in their infinite wisdom, he believed demigods are received by, and eventually, to challenge God's creation, God as a curse imposed the following commands:
- You will not have family or social life ever.
- you will never see your children grow is more, hardly the truly awake.
- Your hair is bleached earlier than usual, well, If you still have hair.
- If you're lucky, you will have gastritis. Under normal conditions, suffer from ulcers
- Your diet is based on sandwiches, pizza and Chinese food mainly.
- The only way to interact (face to face) with people of the same intellectual level (or rather , with others) will be happy hours and business meetings.
- You are a close friend of the coffee, then suddenly came the moment that the caffeine will not make effect.
- In less than five years of career, your sanity will be put in check.
- Work will be your only issue and reason for living.
- Descanso, holidays, weekends, holidays, days are just not going to the office, so does not mean you have to work those days.
- For you people is divided in two: those who know engineering and those without. And it really grace.
- Sleep is considered a rest period, therefore, you can not sleep.
- Even in bed, solve work problems
And worst of all, enjoy it!!
Three engineers are in a car on a deserted road, suddenly the car stops on its own and will not restart without thinking Mechanical Engineer says \\ "As far as I can be the transmission, must review! \\ ", Electronic Engineer says, \\" No, I bet it's electronic ignition system, was damaged fuse \\ "the Both look at the System Engineer and this, it is thoughtful and after a moment of silence says. \\ "And if we go out and back in? \\"
- To the optimist, the glass is half full.
- To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
- To the engineer, the glass is twice as large as it should be.
Two engineering students were walking campus when one of them said
- \\ "Where did you get such a great bike? \\"
The second replied:
- \\ "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all his clothes
and said, \\ "Take what you want \\".
The second engineer nodded
- \\ "Good choice! The clothes probably would not have come! \\ ".
At a party function is dancing" sin x "with" cos x "," sin x "is given realize that "e to the x" is sitting alone on one side of the track. Then you friendly and tells you about:
* Come to dance, INTEGRATE!!
and answers :
* No, why?! If you do not care!
engineers are not distracted, they are high impedance.
an engineer has died and went to the gates of Heaven. We know that the engineers for their honesty
always go to heaven.
San Pedro
reached into his file, but was a little disorganized lately not found in the pile of papers, so he said : \\ 'Sorry, you're not ready ... \\'.
So the engineer went to the gate of hell gave him shelter and accommodation immediately. Some time passed and the Engineer tired of suffering the miseries of hell, and began designing and building improvements.
Over time, already had ISO 9000, ash monitoring system, air conditioning, toilets with drainage , escalators, electronics, telecommunications networks, predictive maintenance programs, visual control systems, fire detection systems, digital thermostats, etc.. and the engineer was very good reputation.
One day God called the Devil by phone and asked suspicious tone:
\\ 'So what ..... How are there in hell? \\ '
We luuujo! We have ISO 9000, ash monitoring system, air conditioning, toilets, drainage, escalators, electronics, Internet, etc. Hey, join my e-mail address is:
eldiablofeliz@infierno.com
. I do not know what the next surprise of the engineer! \\ '.
\\' What, WHAT!
Does it have an engineer there? That is wrong! should never have got there an engineer. The engineers always go to heaven, it is written and solved now. I send it immediately! \\ '.
\\' No way!. I like having a plant engineer in the organization ... And I'm going to stay with him forever \\ '.
\\' o. .....
Mándemelo will demand !!... TE \\ '.
And the Devil, with blurred vision by the tremendous burst of laughter that burst, God replied:
\\ "Oh Yeah? ... And curiosity ... WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET A LAWYER? \\ 'If everyone is here!
MUST UNDERSTAND THE ENGINEERS, love, bless and thank God for having created!
1. They do not want to be right always, is that the other always wrong.
2. An engineer is not devoid of feelings, is the others are about girls crying.
3. An engineer does not see the world, change it.
4. An engineer is not to be a grown up, is that mere mortals do not understand.
5. An engineer does not make mistakes, just test if the others were paying attention!
6. Not that you create a big thing, IS THAT THEY ARE!
Meeting of engineers:
An engineer was meeting with colleagues, taking something and I said to them:
Engineer: Last night I met a stunning woman in a club.
Friends: Guaaaauuu!
Engineer: So I invited her to go for a drink at home .... and she accepted!
Friends: Guaaaaaaauuuuuuu!
Engineer: We drank a couple drinks and started kissing her.
Friends: Guaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Engineer: There, unbelievably, the blonde said,
\\ "Take off all clothing NOW! \\ "
Friends: Guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Engineer: Then I remove the clothes, the grip and completely undressed, threw it on the table where I had my new PDA (so a Personal Digital Assistant) ...
Friends: Hajaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!, you got a new PDA !!!!!!!!!.
Y. ... has, has, what processor you have?, How much are your hard drive?, how much memory you have?, does Windows 7?, "TFT? Insurance cost you an arm and a leg ..! ... etc. ... etc etc.. ..
A man flying in a balloon, you realize you're lost, so maneuvering and down until you see someone on the street and shout:
\\ "Excuse me, could you help me?, I have been to meet the two with a friend, took half an hour late and do not know where I am.
\\ "Sure, he answers, you are in a hot air about 30m high, between 40 and 42 north latitude and 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.
\\ "Are you an engineer, right? \\" says the balloonist.
\\ "Yes, sir. I am. How did you guess? \\ "
\\" is simple. For everything you have told me is \\ "technically correct \\" but \\ "practically useless \\".
\\ "I remain lost, be late and do not know what to do with your information ...
you manager, right? \\" asked the street.
\\ "Yes sir, how did you know? \\"
\\ "is simple. Do not know where he is or where it goes. He made a promise , it can not deliver and expect someone else to solve the problem. In fact, is exactly the same position it was before we met, except that now, for some strange reason ,..... The shame on me! \\ "
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed being with his wife, building a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.
The artist felt that he preferred to be with her lover, passion and mystery he found it.
Finally, I speak the engineer:
- I'll take two.
- With the two? "Asked the architect and artist.
- Yes," replied the engineer. Taking wife and mistress, will you each with the other and thus can you go to work to work.
A vector to another said: olle, you have a moment?
That is a slice of bread with the symbol of integration within?
.... An Integrated Pan ....
are at the same party, the party functions ... it is a (X ^ 2) very sucked out running around, a cosine Chamullo to Cosecant (since the drying not really liked) .. suddenly startled them all, and begin to grumble ... and look who came say no ... (X ^ 2) to run and scream: \\ '\\' not my worst nightmare came the derivative \\ '\\', the derivative got what I wanted at the party, because everyone was afraid of that transformation is more they kept saying that (X ^ 2) crying porq no was more so, because it was 2X ...
Suddenly, the derivative is close to a chair, telling a function that was talking to the Sound (which was when I saw it coming) ..
- \\ '\\' Sali the couch, here I feel I \\ '\\'
- \\ '\\' drink it, here I am me and I will not move, made over to me was my new friend \\ '\\' ;
- \\ '\\' But you know who I am, says the derivative \\ '\\'
- \\ '\\' If I have but do not fear you I do not do anything \\ '\\' ;
- \\ '\\' And you who you are, you get the strong q \\ '\\'
- \\ '\\' Gilaza I am (e ^ x) \\ '\\'
One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog , I call and said \\ "If you kiss me, I turn into a beautiful princess \\".
bent down, picked up the frog and put it in your pocket. The frog spoke again and said \\ "If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week \\". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and returned to his place.
The frog then scream \\ "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I will stay with you and do whatever you want \\".
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled and put it back into your pocket .
Finally, the frog asked,
- Well, what happens? I told you I'ma beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
So ... why do not you kiss me?
- Look, I'm engineer. I have no time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog .... So if you do not let go ...!.
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were a morning playing golf. As luck would have before them was another group of golfers playing very slow, all the time what had to be waiting.
- \\ "What about these guys? \\" "complains engineer-\\" We must have waited 15 minutes! \\ "
- \\ "No, but I've never seen such ineptitude! \\"-involving the doctor.
- \\ "Here comes the greens \\." "Reports the cure \\ "Let's ask ... \\"
- \\ "Hello, Jorge, hey, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, no? \\"
- \\ "Oh, yeah ... is a group of blind firefighters ... \\" "says the gardener. \\ "They lost their sight while trying to save from the flames of our clubhouse last year, and in return, we let them play always free. \\"
The group was silent a moment.
- \\ "How sad \\" said the priest. \\ "Say a special prayer for them tonight. \\"
- \\ "I try contact with a colleague of mine who is an ophthalmologist to see if you can do something for them. \\ "added the doctor.
And the engineer says: \\" - And why not play at night?. \\ "
- What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
- Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
ENGINEERING AND ARCHITECTURE
A helicopter is 10,000 parts flying in formation more or less.
A building structure is 5000 tons miscalculated. Fighting gravity through the action of wallpaper
COMPUTER
- \\ "It really hurts my shoulder. I you should see a doctor \\ ".
One friend said:
- \\" No do that! \\ ". \\" There is a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and we will suggest what you can do to fix
. In addition, it costs only $ 500. \\ "
The man thought he had nothing to lose, then filled a jar with urine and went to the pharmacy. He found the computer and put the urine into a funnel was in the machine. Then he placed the 500 pesetas. in the slot.
The computer started making noises, turn on and off various lights and then after a short pause, one slot out a paper saying: * You have
tennis shoulder. Rub your arm with warm salt water. Do not make physical efforts of magnitude. In two weeks will be much better.
Later, while thinking how wonderful it was this technology and how it would change medical science forever, he came up if the computer could not be deceived. Decided to test whether I could do, I mix tap water some dog excrement and pee a little daughter and his wife. In conclusion masturbated and put his semen into the mix, in addition to 500 pesetas. After the sounds and lights of rigor, the machine printed the following analysis:
* The water is too impure. Buy a purifier.
* Your dog has worms. Give vitamins.
* Your daughter is a drug addict. Intérnela in a rehabilitation institute.
* His wife is pregnant. And not yours, get a lawyer.
* And if you do not stop jacking ... WILL NOT HEAL SHOULDER NEVER!
An engineer in charge of a major management in a major firm, following the stress of their work suffers a crisis and he recommended a few days off in the field.
The doctor sent him to the farm of an acquaintance.
After spending 2 days doing nothing, the engineer was tired of life bucolic, pastoral and supremely bored.
So he decided to talk to the farmer who hosted and ask a simple task to hang out and take the time, while to some exercise.
The next day they rose early, before sunrise. The farmer, who knows the idiosyncrasies of the engineers and fearing some irreparable mess, decided to assign simple tasks that could not cause damage (including himself).
- The task is simple. "Said the farmer giving a shovel-
Just pick up the manure that is in the pig sty and distribute the seed to pay it.
- When you're done come to me, "he added.
The farmer owned more than two hundred pigs, and manure is piled to the height of the knee. So the man felt that the task would take to engineer
2 or 3 days.
What was his surprise, when after three hours showed the Engineer, full of manure to the ears smiling and happy face.
- I'm done, "he said.
Seeing that in fact the task was finished, and it efficiently, the farmer decided to allocate another.
- Good. .. You have to sacrifice a few chickens and pick them up tomorrow for the carnage. Just cut off their heads, "he said giving a big knife-
- is a bit trickier, but it sure can.
There were more than 1500 chickens for slaughter, and assumed that the Engineer end until well into the night. Even thought of help later when finished collecting planting.
Barely a couple of hours when the engineer came before him, with all the clothes and faces stained with blood, jagged knife, and smiling like a child on the day of the Magi.
- I'm done.
The farmer could not get over his astonishment.
Incredible!, he himself, accustomed to the hard rural life, would not have done better: 1500 chickens perfectly beheaded!
The farmer scratched his head thoughtfully.
Wear Engineer with a large pile of potatoes and said
- Okay. Now we have to separate the potatoes.
Large right and left small.
the farmer thought that in less than an hour to see it again asking
more work Engineer .
But it was not.
Paso
lunchtime, For dinner, he was dark, and Engineer
not appear.
Believing that something would have happened, the farmer was scared where he had left the Engineer, and found him sitting at the same pile of potatoes, with no separate no.
- Is something wrong? Strange question.
The engineer came back with a potato in his hand and said,
- Look, distribute beheading shit and it's something I'm quite accustomed .. . But this decision-making ...!
are a lot of the greatest scientists in history playing hide and seek (Plank, Newton , Einstein, Heisenberg, Fibonnaci, etc).
In a Fibonacci turn it 'to be the counting and the other hide. As expected, start counting 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13, 21,34,55, ... Meanwhile Newton was looking for a place to hide, but they were all occupied. Then in despair and seeing that Fibonaci have almost finished, take a piece of chalk, draw a box on the floor and stands above him. Fibonacci finished counting and when you turn the first thing you see is a Newton.
- One two three
Newton-Dice Fibonacci, while Newton was to the misunderstanding.
-One two three Newton - Repeat Fibonacci. Newton still made the other way as Fibonacci goes to him.
- Sir Newton, I said one two three for you. - Fibonacci says. Newton responds
- Can I talk to my Mr. Fibonacci?, I am no Newton, I'm Pascal.
Fibonacci, a little surprised responds
- Of course you are Newton, I know him perfectly.
- Permitare correct his mistake Mr Fibonacci - replica
Newton - Newton'm not, I'm Pascal. Do not you see? Newton square meter.
A friend who had a girlfriend who told him the asymptote, the more it gets closer pa sent him shit .
In a village near Pasto, the Municipal Mayor, received an urgent telegram saying:
\\ 'trepidatorio quake, possibly 7 on Richter scale detected in your area. Locate the epicenter and report changes to the flora and fauna \\ '.
Several weeks later comes the reply of Mayor of Pasto to his superiors:
\\' epicenter was located and arrested , already confessed and is in custody awaiting orders from above.
Telluric was killed on the scene. The Richter and others such 8 bastard blew trepidatorio movement, but most fish. The Flora and Fauna of the cast of people for whores .. \\ '
Note: We had not been informed before there was an earthquake because the son of a bitch.
I have heard that the new Tom Cruise movie will be \\ "Mission Impossible IV \\" in which the agent Ethan Hunt will be trying to calculate the primitive integral e ^ x / x
